Monday, May 2, 2011

"Yesterday was plain awful, but that's not now, that's then"

Yesterday was one train wreck of a day. It was a wake-up call to how much anxiety can rule my life and how I use my ED as a coping skill.
I woke up extremely anxious yesterday morning and could not identify why. I began to have cyclical thoughts, which I have not experienced in a while, and was scared about the extent to which I was feeling anxious.
I went for a run and calmed down a bit but at that point ED was screaming to be allowed in. I ended up restricting in an effort to feel more in control of my emotions.

Logically, I realized that this was stupid and that not eating makes me more anxious. I know that not eating takes away from my energy and if I want to continue having great runs like I did I need to keep eating.
My therapist and I have discussed before that there seems to be a wall between my cognitive, rational side and my irrational, anxiety ruled side.
While I realize and recognize perfectionist and ED actions it is hard for me to use this knowledge to challenge these emotions.
I was able to have dinner, but only completed about half of my meal plan. This is a huge step-back for me considering that I normally meet or exceed my exchange requirements. I know that this is just a slip-up in my road of recovery but I feel guilty and ashamed about how I let ED take control. I know that I am better than this!

Despite the fact that I experienced a difficult day, I am glad that I am back on track today. I am proud that I'm trying hard to get out of this drained-anxious funk and am trying to rationalize ED and perfectionist thoughts.
I can do this!
I had a fear food for lunch: Bagel!: and finished my meal plan. On top of that, I didn't isolate, went to work and a documentary with my mom.

There are two sides to the coin, and although my low days suck, I can push past them.

Sorry for this rant! I just need to let this out. No questions tonight lovelies- thank you for all the support once again.

Lots of love your way!


jennifer said...

gosh don't ever apologize for ranting, you need to do that, just express and im sorry your day started off like that :/ i suffer from anxiety and its been pretty extreme lately, thoughts like that and just a sense of "wtf is wrong" are terrifying and then if you can't identify it, its so hard :( but congratulations on the fear food, so proud and bagels are yummm :P xox

Ash said...

I know how tough it is to have a mini relapse after making so much progress but you did the exact right thing by not making your restriction one day become a habit. And you even challenged yourself with that bagel, that is awesome! Your determination is truly amazing, I'm so proud of you for fighting back against ED after a tough day.

P.S. I love your post title from Annie :)

BecomingBryana said...

Emma, I am so sorry that you've been having this struggle. As you know, it's happening to me right now too. Really at this point in recovery, one day is easy-peasy and the next day sucks soooo much. There will be slip-ups, it happens. But a slip up does not have to lead to a lapse/relapse. It will lead to a relapse if you continue to restrict, but when you realize it is ED, not you, it becomes easier to fight back. I know you can and will keep fighting. You CAN do this!!!

FB message, text, or call me if you ever want to talk some more! I'm always here for ya, babe!

kimi said...

what i want you to remember is that this is a normal part of recovery, and although it SUCKS big time and is so hard, you mustttt remember to keep pushing forward! ED will stick his foot as far in the door as you'll let him, and its okay if the door opens, just as long as you get the strength to kick ed out in the end. I know you can do it :) Getting back in track seems scary, but its worth it!! We all struggle lovely, I am right now, people do! never apologize!

Haley said...

I am so proud of you Emma!
Trust me, the days get easier. I have no problem with things like bagels now, but I remember when they used to REALLY freak me out. Just keep working girl, and ED will soon be a thing of the past :) You are doing so great! Recovery is not a linear process. there are ups and downs, but as long as you maintain a positive attitude, you'll get through this and become so much happier than you've ever been.

Ayla said...

Keep your chin up, Emma! We all have bad days and must realize that they're simply a part of recovery. At least now the bad days aren't EVERY day. You slipped up but you recognized that and got back on track, that's what matters. :)