Yesterday was one train wreck of a day. It was a wake-up call to how much anxiety can rule my life and how I use my ED as a coping skill.
I woke up extremely anxious yesterday morning and could not identify why. I began to have cyclical thoughts, which I have not experienced in a while, and was scared about the extent to which I was feeling anxious.
I went for a run and calmed down a bit but at that point ED was screaming to be allowed in. I ended up restricting in an effort to feel more in control of my emotions.
Logically, I realized that this was stupid and that not eating makes me more anxious. I know that not eating takes away from my energy and if I want to continue having great runs like I did I need to keep eating.
My therapist and I have discussed before that there seems to be a wall between my cognitive, rational side and my irrational, anxiety ruled side.
While I realize and recognize perfectionist and ED actions it is hard for me to use this knowledge to challenge these emotions.
I was able to have dinner, but only completed about half of my meal plan. This is a huge step-back for me considering that I normally meet or exceed my exchange requirements. I know that this is just a slip-up in my road of recovery but I feel guilty and ashamed about how I let ED take control. I know that I am better than this!
Despite the fact that I experienced a difficult day, I am glad that I am back on track today. I am proud that I'm trying hard to get out of this drained-anxious funk and am trying to rationalize ED and perfectionist thoughts.
I can do this!
I had a fear food for lunch: Bagel!: and finished my meal plan. On top of that, I didn't isolate, went to work and a documentary with my mom.
There are two sides to the coin, and although my low days suck, I can push past them.
Sorry for this rant! I just need to let this out. No questions tonight lovelies- thank you for all the support once again.
Lots of love your way!