Sunday, May 1, 2011

Frustrated

This is going to be a downer post but I just need to relieve some frustration.

I am frustrated that I still had an overeating episode although I ate intuitively all day.
I am angry that ED still has control in my life.
I am impatient with the fact that the weight I've gained in recovery still hasn't redistributed.
And I'm even more annoyed that my digestive system is still off balance.

The worst part is that my solution to all these problems is to go back to ED behaviors.
Yet, ED is the one who caused the problems in the first place!

I am at a healthy weight and want to maintain but it's hard to resist urges to lose, considering I could lose 5 pounds and still be considered healthy, and it's difficult to rationalize my fears of gaining. I could gain five pounds and still be in a healthy weight range, but ED has deemed anything above my current weight to be taboo.

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to air my worries.
If you read this rant, do you have any suggestions?

On a side note, I've really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, and I also appreciate all your thoughtful comments!

5 comments:

willing_to_recover said...

I can sympathise with you on a lot of these points...all of them in fact. Especially the redistributing part, that is annoying, but it will happen over time. Patience is one of the keys to recovery unfortuntely. Please don't lose any weight though because people who have had an ED need to be at a slightly higher BMI in order to prevent relapses. It's tempting I know but hang in there hun, you've got this far for a reason :)

Ash said...

I've felt kind of the same way lately. I know that I could gain 20 lbs and still be in a healthy weight range but ED tells me that my current weight is the upper limit and even that I should lose 5 lbs, even though it would be dangerous. Just hang in there, and keep venting if you need to! And remind yourself that even if you could technically lose 5 lbs and still be healthy, chances are your thoughts would be a lot less healthy and you'd be a lot more likely to go through a relapse. I know you've got this, girl! You've come so far already so I know you can push past this. <3

Ash said...

Oh and about your comment on my blog, I don't think it was out of place at all! I think you're right that being at a weight that's too low can mess with our minds and prevent us from getting healthy. So thanks for your thoughts!

Abby said...

It's so hard (I still have trouble with it a lot) but we have to learn that we can trust our bodies. The weight that your body knows is right for you might not be the number you'd like. It sucks but it's true. I've found trying to get to a lower weight than my body wants sets me up for a full-on relapse.

The weight redistribution and digestive issues WILL get better. It just takes way longer than it seems like it should.

Same with the overeating. I think most people recovering from anorexia deal with that. It's not your fault. Our bodies worry about when we might start starving them again. Just keep nourishing yourself and your body will get the message.

And most of all be patient with yourself! You'll get back to the place you want.

Haley said...

Em, from reading my blog you know that I have also been dealing with overeating. But I really do think it's a biological/psychological issue in which our bodies and minds think that we can't have that food so when we get it it's like we can't stop. If we start to incorporate these 'fear foods' into our diet, it will make things so much easier.
Also, I know what you mean about the weight thing, too. I am also about 5 pounds over the lowest healthy weight for my height *a BMI of 18.5*. So I could technically lose. But I am noticing that my body really does NOT want to lose weight. It's making me binge once I restrict for a reason! It likes the weight it is at. It's strange, but I think we should focus less on the number and just on making our bodies happy. I am positive that everything will balance out.
I hope this helps!
<3