Friday, April 15, 2011

Ready, Set, GO.

So lately, I've just been plodding along in my comfort zone, not really motivated to take new steps in my recovery.
I'm still stashing up exchanges for the end of the day, then feeling overwhelmed by them, then going to sleep bloated and uncomfortably full.
This cycle has continued every day.

I want, no, I need this cycle to end. These habits are just reinforcing my guilt and anxiety surrounding food and I DON'T want that. I love food, I love being healthy, I want to be happy! And the way I need to get there is to take the first right step.

My dietitian and I have been working on challenging me by trying new fear foods and adding more into meals during the day so I don't save it all up for later. This is very scary for me but I am so ready to break out of my ED behaviors and learn to be normal.

Nutrition journal!
Unrelated, but equally as important, I would just like to thank everyone for their encouraging words! I did end up going to my school dance and I had a great time. I was able not to become preoccupied by food or my body and instead focused on what was truly important, my friends and the music!

Here are some quick eats pictures:

Oatmeal w/ 3 nut butter and iced coffee

So Delicious coconut yogurt w/ Kashi GoLean crunch and coconut

I was able to bring fruit to lunch! Which may not seem like a big deal but it was an important step for me.
I brought a KIND bar (fear food), cottage cheese w/ edamame hummus, and apple, and mixed greens.

Just me hanging with two fear foods, eaten within hours of each other!
I had the Clif bar and post-run fuel and Blake's Mac and Cheese for dinner.

Also new, I have been running at least twice a week and it's amazing. I have been able to keep ED out of my exercise which is a huge change from when going for a run was a tortuous and abusive battle between ED and I. Now, there is no judging, and I am trying to listen to my body while pushing it to do it's best!
For now, I'm not focusing on speed so much as building up endurance. My goal is to join the cross country team next year.

Well sorry for the rambling but this post must come to an abrupt end! The last day of school before spring break awaits.

How have you been challenging yourself?
What is your favorite exersise?


BecomingBryana said...

Cool, you have your spring break the same week I do. I thought everyone had theirs already. I'm glad to know I'm not all late. :-)

I wanted to say 2 things. First, I am so proud of you for eating that apple with lunch, the clif bar (mint-choco is one of my favorite flavors!) and the mac&cheese! Facing your fears is the only thing that will make them go away, and I am very proud of you for facing them recently!
The other thing is that I know 110% where you come from with that "cycle." For MONTHS I ate like that. I never had exchanges with my dietician, just calories (which I preferred) but if my goal was 2,200 for the day, I'd eat about 900 in breakfast and lunch and then eat the other 1,300 for a small dinner and an enormous snack. I'd feel full to the point of vomiting, but I ate like that every single night. The first day I ate a 600 calorie breakfast was the first day I didn't fall into that trap. The huge brekkie was so satisfying, and I also had a nice-sized lunch and dinner, that by the time it was snack time:
1) I didn't have a lot of calories left to meet my goal,
2) I wasn't even hungry for much food.
I don't know how much breakfast you eat, but increasing just that one meal may really help. If you eat more at that meal, you won't feel like you have to stuff yourself silly at the end of the day. :-)

Anonymous said...

YAY for conquering some fear foods gal!!! oo my fav exercise is for sure running!! have a great day!!!

Ash said...

I think keeping a food journal is a great way to challenge yourself and stay motivated! At the beginning of my recovery, I did one but I felt like I was forced to so I didn't really learn anything from it. But if I started one now, I think it would help me.

Congrats on eating the Clif bar! The cool mint one is one of my favorites. I have a hard time eating a full Clif since it seems so big, but I challenged myself yesterday and had a whole Clif Mojo trail mix bar for a snack! I know it's not as many calories as a regular Clif but it was still a challenge.

And I love that you're able to keep ED out of your exercise! I really need to overcome this myself and just enjoy exercise for what it is. Oh and have fun over spring break! My summer vacation is in less than a month and I'm so excited :)

Trying To Heal said...

great job having those fear foods! i've worked through those and as hard as it is, they're so much easier to eat now! stay strong beautiful!

Missy said...

I am SO with you challenge is to have a cut-off time at night which of course means more during the day, Yikes!

I am looking forward to much better mornings, though!

I think eventually we'll adjust to the heftier eats throughout the day.

Haley said...

Em, let me start by saying that you look so great! :) Especially when you are holding up one of my fave Cliff bars ;) haha
I know those can be a challenge to eat. Heck, they are as many calories as our meals used to be! I had to eat one after EVERY run in the fall. Now I eat them when I want to. I usually have one every other day or so. The other days I will go home & have some greek yogurt and granola for the carbs+protein I need.

About the eating a bunch at night, you KNOW that I have also struggled with this. Thankfully I don't have to gain weight anymore, and I've pretty much been eating intuitively, but I know that it is hard to get all of your calories in for the day at night when you have been restrictive earlier that day. :/ Just try to remember in the morning that you need to fuel your body NOW for all that you have to do for the rest of the day. And that way you won't go to bed feeling like a cow.

Also I love this post because I can totally relate to the ED-exercise correlation and I'm so glad that you are not mixing the two :) Running is the best, isn't it?!
I hate that ED gets in the way of stuff we love sometimes.
Anyway, you seem to be doing SO WELL!
I'm jealous that you have overcome peanut butter as a fear food. It's still kinda scary for me. Also, bananas.. Isn't that just stupid?!

Well have a wonderful Easter weekend dear :)

Anonymous said...

i love chocolate chip cliff bars <3