I'd just like to apoligize for my lack of proper posting lately. My perfectionism has creeped into my writing which makes mantaining the blog less than enjoyable. However, I sincerely enjoy blogging and could not imagine not belonging to this wonderful and supportive community. I want to take back this outlet as something for me, not as a oppurtunity to put myself down.
Which brings me to the title of this post. I find myself asking this question far too often of late.
I keep insulting myself and being so harsh for simple mistakes. And it hurts when I feel guilty and worthless for simple slip-ups like forgetting something, eating a little more than my meal plan calls for, or having to rest after a long day. In short, I am punishing myself for being human.
This irrational and harmful thinking has plagued me to the point where yesterday I resorted to a behavior that I haven't even felt the urge to use in a long time. I attempted to purge.
And when I was hunched over the toliet, with my disorder whispering to me that I could "flush away my sins," suddenly my healthy, true voice broke through the despair and told me
"It doesn't have to be this way."
This was a huge wake up call for me, one that I believe was necessary. The importance of my recovery came rushing back. I walked away from my bathroom.
Later, I was able to admit to my mom I was having a hard day. My eating disorder hates when I say this, but it helps me immensely. Seperating my healthy voice from my eating disorder is intrical to my recovery.
Since last night, I've felt alot better. An unexpected motivation appeared to me when I opened up an old journal.