Sunday, March 6, 2011

"Why you gotta be so mean?"

I'd just like to apoligize for my lack of proper posting lately. My perfectionism has creeped into my writing which makes mantaining the blog less than enjoyable. However, I sincerely enjoy blogging and could not imagine not belonging to this wonderful and supportive community. I want to take back this outlet as something for me, not as a oppurtunity to put myself down.

Which brings me to the title of this post. I find myself asking this question far too often of late.
I keep insulting myself and being so harsh for simple mistakes. And it hurts when I feel guilty and worthless for simple slip-ups like forgetting something, eating a little more than my meal plan calls for, or having to rest after a long day. In short, I am punishing myself for being human.

This irrational and harmful thinking has plagued me to the point where yesterday I resorted to a behavior that I haven't even felt the urge to use in a long time. I attempted to purge.
And when I was hunched over the toliet, with my disorder whispering to me that I could "flush away my sins," suddenly my healthy, true voice broke through the despair and told me
"It doesn't have to be this way."

This was a huge wake up call for me, one that I believe was necessary. The importance of my recovery came rushing back. I walked away from my bathroom.
Later, I was able to admit to my mom I was having a hard day. My eating disorder hates when I say this, but it helps me immensely. Seperating my healthy voice from my eating disorder is intrical to my recovery.

Since last night, I've felt alot better.  An unexpected motivation appeared to me when I opened up an old journal.
I discovered a letter that I had written to myself on New Year's Eve of this year, apoligizing for hurting me and asking for forgiveness, with a promise to be more compassionate.
I want to renew this promise to be kinder and to accept that I cannot be perfect. And that is perfectly okay, because it is my imperfections that make me unique.

This song is a perfect f*** you to my eating disorder.
"The cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know"

I do not want my eating disorder to define my life any longer. Spring is arriving to the world, I want to be an active participant in this season! I refuse to be exiled to a lonely winter of restriction and isolation.

What helps you get through a tough time?

4 comments:

BecomingBryana said...

Talking about it. If I leave things bottled up, they eat at me until it's worse than it was when they first started bothering me. My dad and I had a HUGE HUGE HUGE fight back in August, and since then, I got angry just thinking about it. A few weeks ago we finally talked about it, and now I am over it. So seriously, talking about your problems with anyone can be a big help. :-)

the Waldbillig said...

Emma,

I'm speechless. I've been in that same situation, many of times and applaud the strength it took for you to turn your back on the porcelain throne and walk away. You seriously are kicking ED's ass. It is our imperfections that make us perfect, in our own way. This disorder is so talented at shoving us inwards and giving us room only to pick on ourselves. It takes true grit to free yourself from the negative mindset. You're amazing Emma. Keep it up.

Hayley

Ash said...

For me, crying about it and just getting those feelings out there really helps. I like to talk out my problems with my mom or sister, because they're both very understanding. And having a big cry just feels so...refreshing, lol, like a burden was lifted off me :)

Haley said...

I am SO PROUD of you for walking away.
I know how hard that is, and that just shows how far you've come in recovery and the fact that you're gonna leave this ED behind you sooner than you think. :)

You're right that admitting you are having a bad day or ED thoughts are coming in makes it easier to kill ED. It makes me mad when I do that, too sometimes cuz it means I can't restrict. But in the end, it's definitely the better option. It's good to get stuff like that off your chest.

P.s. I love spring & the metaphor :)
And rough days- hmm.. I talk to Connor, my friends back home, or I blog about it I guess!
<3