When my friend and I went to a dance, I felt so proud of how skinny I had gotten. In reality, I looked extremely sick, and I think people were wary of how fragile I had become. One of her friends has exclaimed "God you are TINY." At the time, I took it as a compliment. Now I know that it wasn't a good thing at all. I couldn't understand why guys didn't want to dance with me. I couldn't see that I was a skeleton.
At my school dance I was miserable, I had restricted all day and didn't understand why dancing was making me so tired. I ended up calling my dad and made him pick me up early so I could go home and go to sleep. I was freezing cold and couldn't enjoy myself.
At my best friends' birthday party I was distracted by ED thoughts and was isolated from my former friends. I was told later on that everyone was scared of what I had become, and that my unhappiness was so unattractive.
I'm going to get my life back from ED. Because I have lost so many memories and opportunities because of it. I am happier at the size I am now. It is healthy and that is truly amazing.
I'm going on a first date tonight with a boy I really like. He has called me beautiful and says that I am awesome, inside and out. He knows about my eating disorder and past self harm and is proud of how far I've come. Even if things don't work out, I'm excited to even have the opportunity to like a boy.
I am beautiful the way I am, and I deserve happiness and a chance at love as much as anyone else. This is terrifying to admit, but it's true. I'm going to embrace it!