Sunday, March 13, 2011

So this is what it feels like..

WARNING: May contain triggering images and subjects for those recovering from an ED. Please read with  CAUTION.

Because of my eating disorder, I was robbed for quite a while of the normal butterflies and flirting that comes with being a freshman in high school. I was so obsessed with my body and food that I had no place in my mind to have a crush on a boy. I was only concerned about what they thought about the way I looked. My estrogen levels were that of a post-menopausal woman, physically making it impossible for me to feel any attraction to anyone.

When my friend and I went to a dance, I felt so proud of how skinny I had gotten. In reality, I looked extremely sick, and I think people were wary of how fragile I had become. One of her friends has exclaimed "God you are TINY." At the time, I took it as a compliment. Now I know that it wasn't a good thing at all. I couldn't understand why guys didn't want to dance with me. I couldn't see that I was a skeleton.
At my school dance I was miserable, I had restricted all day and didn't understand why dancing was making me so tired. I ended up calling my dad and made him pick me up early so I could go home and go to sleep. I was freezing cold and couldn't enjoy myself.
At my best friends' birthday party I was distracted by ED thoughts and was isolated from my former friends. I was told later on that everyone was scared of what I had become, and that my unhappiness was so unattractive.
I'm going to get my life back from ED. Because I have lost so many memories and opportunities because of it. I am happier at the size I am now. It is healthy and that is truly amazing.

I'm going on a first date tonight with a boy I really like. He has called me beautiful and says that I am awesome, inside and out. He knows about my eating disorder and past self harm and is proud of how far I've come. Even if things don't work out, I'm excited to even have the opportunity to like a boy.

My outfit for the date(:

This feels so normal. Which is a miracle in itself. I get to have normal high school experiences! I still can't quite grasp how lucky I am.
I am beautiful the way I am, and I deserve happiness and a chance at love as much as anyone else. This is terrifying to admit, but it's true. I'm going to embrace it!
What has your ED robbed from you?
Any tips for a first date?


Ash said...

Your outfit is gorgeous! Its so great that you are able to have normal high school experiences now and aren't letting ED take that away from you! I missed out on a lot my last two years of high school because I felt so self-conscious about myself and eating in front of people.

Hmm I'm not sure I really can give you any tips about a first date because I've never exactly had a real date, but since this guy sounds so awesome, just be yourself and have the best time! Just don't let your ED get in the way and I'm sure you'll have fun :)

BecomingBryana said...

Girl, I am so proud of you! You ARE awesome, and you do deserve happiness and love! Never doubt that! Have an amazing time tonight!

Haley said...

I love your outfit!
And I know you will have a great time on your date. Advice-be yourself. :) But you're already out with him, so I hope it's going well!
ED did the same thing for me :/ I was actually dating Conrad at the time, and I've always loved him, but it just wasn't the same. I couldn't give him the same passion and attention I had given him before.

Anyway, I'm so glad that we are taking our lives back from ED :) You're so right that you deserve happiness and love.
<3 Haley