Thursday, March 31, 2011

Itty Bitty Post

Hey guys! This post will be itty bitty, but I just want to squeeze in a couple updates because I think my next post is gonna be pretty long.

I am having my 15th birthday party tomorrow and I'm super excited. It seems like it will be alot of fun and I can't want to show all of you the pictures(:

Kashi Spinach and Mushroom pizza.
 Also, I went to my first appointment with a new nutritionist. I like her alot and I think that she will motivate me to step out of my comfort zone. She already has me trying pizza, which is one of my most anxiety-provoking fear-foods. I was able to make it through dinner with minimal thoughts or rituals, which was good. I'm excited to see what happens in the future with her.
Here are just a few random eats shots, but they were yummy. Sandwiches are a bit scary for me because they are more compact and I have to use my hands to eat it. However, I was able to enjoy it.

Mixed greens, feta and TJ's tomato and basil hummus on an Arnold flat bread.

Overnight oats with Barney Butter

And here is a little tease of what is to come in the next post. See those gorgeous carrots?
No questions tonight, I'm far too tired.
Goodnight loves!

Monday, March 28, 2011

"Just enjoy the show."

I just want to thank everyone so so much for your patience and support. I know my posting has been sporadic and my mood has been all over the place but I feel that things WILL get better.

I can't say enough how much it means to hear all of your loving words. I truly love and care about each and every one of you and could not begin to imagine my life without my new group of blogger-friends. You guys are the best!

I've been having a rough time lately because my anxiety has been high. This is a result of guilt from the deteriorating status of my relationship with the boy I liked. I am not disappointed that we did not work out romantically. I am more so upset that I lost him as friend. In addition, my medication has not been helpful in regulating my moods and is frustrating to wait to find the perfect fit that will help make me happy.

Otherwise, I'm proud of the work I've been doing in my recovery. Despite strong urges and ED thoughts my restricting and overeating has been minimal. I was able to reach out to my friend, who I have been closer to than ever of late, which has been so helpful.

I am still scared of a decline into my ED and my body image hasn't been at it's best. But I am confident than I can go forward. Recovery is a day by day process and all I can do is fight as hard as I can.

I had a family therapy tonight which was, overall, a success. Issues that we have been tackling as a family have been communication and overall anxiety. My parents and I have had a history of trouble expressing our feelings and fears but we have made great progress in the past months. I can say that we are closer than ever and our relationship is the best it has ever been. This is not to say that they don't drive me crazy sometimes, and that conflict does not occur. But we have been formulating ways to unravel these issues and I believe that things can only get better.

My parents, therapist, and I have all come to the conclusion that once my medication begins to address my anxiety, it will make it easier for me to continue the positive work I've already been doing.

And now for some, of course, food pictures:

Some new grocery finds for lunch
Otria Chipotle Cheese Greek yogurt dip mixed with cottage cheese.
And a RonnyBrook farm coconut yogurt.

More new grocery store finds.
I.M. Healthy Soy Nut butter discovered thanks to Bryana.
Bars inspired by a recent post from my new favorite blogger, Mallory!

Tried Thai food take-out for the first time in a long time!
This was vegetable curry.

Spring rolls.
So before wrapping up this extremely long post, I'd just like to extend a huge thank you, yet again, to all of you for your comments and support. It means so much and it gives my healthy, rational voice some much needed back-up.

Have you ever had family therapy?
Do you like thai-food?

Goodnight loves!

Friday, March 25, 2011

This is hard.

Hey guys, I just needed to let out what I'm feeling to a community that I know will support me.
I've been so anxious and upset lately. All I can think about are those things that are worrying me.
I have strong urges and even skipped lunch today, something I haven't done in a long time.
I have gained alot of weight because of my night-overeating and I feel so uncomfertable.

It's just hard. I want to fight ED. I want to be okay. But I'm tired. And unmotivated.

ED is waiting for me with open arms, can I resist?
I know I need to.

Can anyone relate?
Could you help remind me of the importance of recovery?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"A little girl taking over the world with her smile."

So I've taken a long vacation from blogging, simply because life has been crazy lately. I'm sorry! But I really want to get back into the community. I love it so much!

My birthday was on Sunday, and it was truly lovely. My fourteenth year of life has been a roller coaster and I am ready to be fifteen. I feel a little bit stronger, older, more mature. This isn't to say that things are flawless, but that is life! We grow as days go by, we learn each day.

Lately, my mood has been down and I've been pretty anxious. My medication situation has been difficult to handle. I understand that finding the right fit is a process, but I'm so impatient to be happy! Also, things with the boy I liked have fallen apart, and we are currently not talking. ED is also really upset with the extra weight I've gained.

But, I am really so proud of how I've handled these situations. I haven't resorted to using ED behaviors, and I've actively been trying to be kinder to myself. When things go wrong, ED thoughts rush in and cripple me, putting me down, making me feel worthless. I've been able to push past those thoughts.

I have not been 100% on top of my recovery and therapy work, and sometimes things feel as if they are spiralling out of control. But that is okay. Just because I can't be totally in control all the time does not mean that I am worthless. It does not mean I should use my body and food as a form of control.
It does mean that I am human. Which is okay!

On my birthday I spent a magical day in Soho with my best friend, H, and my mom. I thoroughly enjoyed myself! We went shopping and out to lunch, and I relaxed. Which is, by far, the best gift I could have gave myself.

Birthday presents! Clips, a headband, 3 chocolate bars, and a fake Letterman's jacket.
I loved all of the presents, and the jacket was such a surprise!

H and I in salt.


I had the curried vegetables with tofu.

My mom had their classic macro plate.

H had stir-fry noodles.
Souen is SO good. I have wanted to go there for so long and I was so excited to finally have the oppurtunity to. They are a Japanese restuarant featuring delicious and healthy vegetarian and macrobiotic cuisine. Although this may not sounds so appealing, everything is delicious and if I could I would eat there everyday.

Cupcake Crew cupcakes. I was thrilled that I had a cupcake without thinking twice about it. No worries, no anxiety, just enjoying a cupcake on my birthday! I have journeyed so far in my recovery. And it is amazing that I can have a treat without guilt.

Amy's and One Girl Cookies from Dean and Deluca

Birthday girl outift(:
High waisted floral skirt from a local shop,
Target top, American Eagle necklace.

What do you do to celebrate your birthday?
What are you proud of yourself for?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

"It's easy as ABC." and other copycats.

*Before I begin my post, I'd just like to address the terrible situation that is currently plaguing Japan. I can't begin to express how sorry I am to all those who have been affected. I extend my prayers and thoughts to all the country and their loved ones*

This is going to be a copycat post because my supposedly super creative Pisces side seems to be in remission tonight. But before we get to a rudimentary lesson the alphabet, the all important eats of late.

Tried a Clif bar for the first time in months! I forgot how good they are.
This was carrot cake, chopped up and thrown in Greek yogurt mixed with
vanilla, cinnamon, and coconut.

Salad with part-skim mozzarella and TJ's tomato and basil hummus.
I have fallen deeply in love with this hummus. It's way too good.

TJ's Guiltless Mac and Cheese discovered thanks to Bryana.
It was really good and I was able to enjoy it even though
it is a big fear food for me.

Kashi GoLean mixed with peanut butter oats and honey.

Simply Lite dark chocolate, it's my new obsession.

Now time for my ABC's! I know I'm a tad late, but better late than never.

A-Age: 15 in 5 days! 
B-Bed Size: Twin, I've had the same bed ever since I graduated from a crib.
C-Chore I Dislike: VACUUMING. Every time I touch a vacuum something goes horrible wrong. Most often I break something or I hurt myself.
D-Dogs: I've never had one, but I have two kitties, three turtles, and a fish(:
E-Essential Start to Day: Coffee and Kashi.
F-Favorite Color: Red.
G-Gold or Silver: Silver please
H-Height: 5'4', perfectly average height thank-you-very-much(:
I-Instruments I’ve Played: Piano and violin but both were very short lived. I am unfortunately tone-deaf and lacking in any sense of rhythm.
J-Job Title: Amateur blogger, part-time swim instructor, student. Someday journalist (crossing my fingers)
K-Kids: I sure hope not, not for a long time. Teen pregnancy is not in my future.
L-Live: Wouldn't you like to know
M-Mom’s Name: Mommy, mom, mother when I'm being obnoxious
N-Nicknames: My really name is Emma, so Em and Emmy.
O-Overnight Hospital Stays: Not since the day I was born(:
P-Pet Peeves: Ugh, too many. But the sound of Velcro is probably top of the list.
Q-Quote from a Movie: Again, SO many. But "You're killing me Smalls" is the one I quote most often/
R-Righty or Lefty: Righty
S-Siblings: Two little brothers, they are annoying but adorable.
T-Time I Wake Up: I am blessed/cursed with waking up promptly at 6 every morning.
U-Underwear: Any kind that looks cute, I love Target because it's cheaps and adorable.
V-Vegetable I Dislike: I don't think I really have one, I'm a pretty big fan of all things veggie(:
 W-What Makes Me Run Late: My transportation *cough* parents *cough*
X-X-rays: Never! Unless you count the dentist.
Y-Yummy Food I Make: I make a pretty awesome bowl of oats, and I'm not too bad at baking if I do say so myself.
Z-Zoo Animal Favorites: Koalas and pandas.

Anyother copy-cat part of this post was borrowed from one of my favorite bloggers and a lovely girl, Ash. She recently posted a Q&A which I thought was really cool, so I thought I might try it out here.

Please leave me any questions, about anything, and I will answer them in my next post.

Thanks! xoxoxoxo Emma.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

So this is what it feels like..

WARNING: May contain triggering images and subjects for those recovering from an ED. Please read with  CAUTION.

Because of my eating disorder, I was robbed for quite a while of the normal butterflies and flirting that comes with being a freshman in high school. I was so obsessed with my body and food that I had no place in my mind to have a crush on a boy. I was only concerned about what they thought about the way I looked. My estrogen levels were that of a post-menopausal woman, physically making it impossible for me to feel any attraction to anyone.

When my friend and I went to a dance, I felt so proud of how skinny I had gotten. In reality, I looked extremely sick, and I think people were wary of how fragile I had become. One of her friends has exclaimed "God you are TINY." At the time, I took it as a compliment. Now I know that it wasn't a good thing at all. I couldn't understand why guys didn't want to dance with me. I couldn't see that I was a skeleton.
At my school dance I was miserable, I had restricted all day and didn't understand why dancing was making me so tired. I ended up calling my dad and made him pick me up early so I could go home and go to sleep. I was freezing cold and couldn't enjoy myself.
At my best friends' birthday party I was distracted by ED thoughts and was isolated from my former friends. I was told later on that everyone was scared of what I had become, and that my unhappiness was so unattractive.
I'm going to get my life back from ED. Because I have lost so many memories and opportunities because of it. I am happier at the size I am now. It is healthy and that is truly amazing.

I'm going on a first date tonight with a boy I really like. He has called me beautiful and says that I am awesome, inside and out. He knows about my eating disorder and past self harm and is proud of how far I've come. Even if things don't work out, I'm excited to even have the opportunity to like a boy.

My outfit for the date(:

This feels so normal. Which is a miracle in itself. I get to have normal high school experiences! I still can't quite grasp how lucky I am.
I am beautiful the way I am, and I deserve happiness and a chance at love as much as anyone else. This is terrifying to admit, but it's true. I'm going to embrace it!
What has your ED robbed from you?
Any tips for a first date?

The Little Things

So this past week has been tough. My mood has been low and my motivation has dropped along with it. My anxiety has been higher. I will be going to the physiatrist soon though, so hopefully we will be able to adjust my medication in order to bump my mood.  For a while it was working really well and I was HAPPY. Which I want back.

Although times have been tough, I am really proud of myself for making it through. I have been so frustrated and battered by my internal perfectionist and ED voices. But I fought back. I didn't follow my urges, and gave my body what it wanted despite my fear of overeating.

This week has reinforced my appreciation of all the amazing support I have. Everyone in the blogging community has been amazingly understanding and it feels so good to know that others want me to fight ED too. Additionally, I am so extremely blessed to have my parents. They can't completely understand the battles that rage in my mind but they are always there for me. I have also reconnected with alot of friends, whose support I am grateful for.

Life is a roller coaster right now, but I know that things will level out, and it is going to be okay. Learning to be okay in the moment, to appreciate the little things, to smile despite the clouds, are the concepts that I am slowly starting to grasp.

I don't need to be 100% content with my body or my eating or with the way my day is going. Things that make me happy don't have to be big. They can be a hug, or singing at the top of my lungs to a song, or watching really bad movies with my brothers and kittens.

So thank you, everyone, for your patience with me while I've been working through things. I feel so much better now and I feel happier. ED can't control me, I won't let my perfectionism define me. I have to much to live for.

Here are a couple pictures of my meals, sorry for the blandness, I was scared so I stuck to staples, but some variety is sure to come soon!

Banana overnight oats made with vanilla rice milk.

TJ's meatless meatball on sesame Ezekiel bread.
I was scared to have this but it was really so so so good.

mango in TJ's mango yogurt, edamame salad with
Newman's Own low fat Sesame Ginger dressing

Pineapple cottage cheese mixed with Greek yogurt
OIAJ in the last of the Sunbutter
Greek yogurt mixed with Nutella,
a chopped chocolate mint Clif Builders bar and chocolate chips

1/4 cup oats, with 1/8 cup almond flour and 1/4 cup Ezekiel almond granola

What are some little things that you appreciate?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me."

Hey girls,. I just want to apologize for the lack of a proper post.
The past few days have been pretty rough for me and I just feel stuck.
The ED and perfectionist within keep putting me down and I just want to tell them to shut up and let me enjoy life.
I'm  also afraid of becoming too critical of others.
My fear and anxiety have me constantly second guessing everything.
I want this to change.
I need to learn how to become my own best friend.

Any ideas how I can get out of this negative rut?

I promise to post something good soon, hopefully a bit more positive.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Food and Shopping.

What I've been loving of late:

My overnight oats in the last of the three nut butter.
Pretty much delicious.

 My huge packed afternoon snack and lunch the other day. Sweet and salty almond Odwalla bar, salad with rice mix, gala apple, the last of the Orchard mix granola, and a pomegranate Chobani.

 Mom's Best Organic hot multi grain cereal, with Sunbutter and Italian honey from NYC.
 Chocolate chip and coconut cookies that I baked. ED wouldn't let me have one, but I'll be sure to challenge him next time. They smelled heavenly.

 I've been thoroughly enjoying Ghirardelli Bittersweet Chocolate Chips.
My new overnight experiment, inspired by Ash's chocolate oats.
I combined a 1/3 cup oats, with 1/3 cup vanilla rice milk, 1/3 cup Greek yogurt, and a tablespoon of Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Hot Cocoa, with a banana in the morning. It was really good!

Today I went shopping with one of my closest friends, who has been so supportive through my recovery journey and is such a positive influence on me. I really love this girl.
I tried on a ton of clothes but only left with two pairs of shorts and some perfume. But I still had alot of fun perusing the stores and I hope that I'll be able to buy some cute stuff soon. I was reminded of Katy when I tried on a pair of shorts in an extra-small and couldn't zipper them. Instead of getting upset I just laughed. I have a butt not and I have to learn to love it!

Heritage 1981 and Forever 21 dressing room shots.

My mom and I finally went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on food like an apocalypse was approaching.
I love that place.
Here are a couple shots of my finds, but not everything that I got, there was just too much!

Chocolate, almond bars, different trail mixes, and bars.

And Ezekiel bread, Almond milk, Greek yogurt, peanut butter, almond butter.
Frozen goods: TJ's Meatless Meatballs, discovered thanks to Melissa, fruit, edamame, and veggie sausage patties.

I'm excited to have back my food staples, and a couple new things that I've found. This week looks pretty crazy schedule-wise, but I'll try to squeeze in a post whenever I have time.
Have a good week lovelies!

What is your favorite clothes store?
Grocery store?