Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rewind. Repeat. Renew.

Its Wednesday. Its disgusting and cold out. I had to go to school today to sit around with the few other people that braved the ice to show up for class, where we did nothing. And I'm exhausted because my body won't let me sleep later than 5:30 in the morning. I'm just really not feeling motivated to focus on recovery and have been in a slump food-wise. I want to try new things but it scares me. Instead I have ended up bingeing on familiar foods. I really want to try to break this streak of negativity, because it causes alot of anxiety, which leaves me feeling drained, which starts the whole cycle again.
I need to remind myself of what I'm working for and of all the progress I've made.
I can't let this ruin me.
So far, my first posts may have been a bit forced and artificial. I think its important for me to remain authentic, otherwise, whats the point of doing this? I think I'm going to work on creating a list of goals for myself and the blog to give it, and myself, more direction and focus.
A couple really good things have happened for me lately. My body has started giving me signs that I am getting to a healthier place, I was just prescribed with medication to help me with my anxiety, I was able to make some progress in being more open about my disorder by volunteering to give a talk at a CYO retreat, and finally, I was offered a job as a swim instructor at my local YMCA.
Yet, I still feel overwhelmed and unsatisfied. I am very worried about relapse and that somehow all the things I've gained will be taken away.
I need to let myself relax, and not get frustrated by the fact that things move slowly.

A recap of today's meals:
For breakfast I had Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious muesli, soaked in organic Silk soy milk, with a banana and honey.

For lunch, a pita stuffed with yogurt cheese, Omega trail mix, and mixed greens, and a Granny Smith apple.
After school, I had a snack of Greek yogurt, Bear Naked Fruit & Nut granola, honey, and a Gala apple.

I'm really trying to give my body what it needs. I think that I get so wound up, I forget to breathe. I try to hard to make something enjoyable that I actually take away the pleasure from it.

From now on, I want to focus on things that make me happy. I love to read and write and spend time with my family, and so that is what I'm going to do. It is so hard for me allow myself to be content. But I only get one body, one life. My new mantra will be "this is your moment." Because its true, this moment, right now, that you're experiencing will never be replicated or given back.

Take it, and make the most out of it.

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