Monday, February 21, 2011

Here we go again.

It is extraordinarily frustrating to find myself in a binge-restrict cycle again.
I work so hard yet I still find myself hunched over a peanut butter jar, spoon in hand, then shoving M&Ms down as fast as I can.
If I listen to when my body is hungry, I end up restricting.
If I eat in spite of my lack of hunger, I binge.
Where's the freaking middle ground?
I don't mean to be so negative, but it is hard to find a balance when I can listen to what my body craves but also achieve moderation.
Any suggestions?

Yesterday I had my standard breakfast and a very late lunch because I was out all morning. I should have had a snack when we stopped at Starbucks, but I couldn't bring myself to get anything, so I opted for a Vanilla Robious Tazo tea.

For lunch, a panini of Gorgonzola cheese and thin slices of apple on whole wheat bread.

Then immediately afterward, because I was so hungry, I had this big yogurt bowl. It was composed of a raisin mix, Orchard Granola, shredded coconut, dark chocolate, honey, and pumpkin butter. It was a really good mix of flavors but I couldn't quite enjoy it.

For dinner I had edamame, swiss chard, salad, and mushrooms.

My appetite refused to be satified so soon after dinner I had a bowl of Greek yogurt, Kashi GoLean crunch, cashew-almond-peanut butter, honey, and some trail mix thrown on top.

Then... way too many handfuls of M&Ms that I hardly tasted along with peanut butter.

I'm not proud of what I ate yesterday, but I see where I can achieve more balence so that I don't end up in a binge-state again. As my therapist told me, sometimes all you can do is take the next right step.
Today for breakfast I had my first ever bowl of overnight oats! The next before, I mixed together 1/2 cup 5 grain cereal, 1/2 cup almond milk, and 1/2 cup Total Greek yogurt along with a splash of vanilla extract, a tablespoon of chai seeds, and a tablespoon of shredded coconut. This morning I added a banana, and a couple pillows of Kashi Island Vanilla shredded wheat cereal. It tasted, in a word, interesting. The cold and creamy texture is something that I have to become accustomed to, but it something I wouldn't hesitate to try again!

For lunch, I had a half a bagel, which is a fear food for me, with two tablespoons of peanut-cashew-almond butter, and a granny smith apple.

I knew that if that was all I ate I would end up overeating later. So I had a vanilla Chobani, a banana, and a handful of trail mix.

Right now I feel satisfied, and I think I will be able to get through the day as balenced as possible.
Its tough. But I know I can do it.

How do you achieve balence?
Have you tried overnight oats?


Sia Jane said...

Balance is hard.
In my early stages of recovery, it was even harder.
It isn't unusual, in those early days to sometimes "over-eat" and other days not eat as much.
The body can be very hungry because of all the deprivation and then you feel "guilt" and eat less.
Our body's hunger can be terrifying.
To the point we restrict because it scares us.
All you can do, is try to follow your meal plan.
To ease yourself when you maybe eat more than feels okay, and accept that for a temporary period of time, you may eat more than usual because your body needs it.
Not only does your body need its usual food for the day, but often more, because it is also repairing itself after damage.

I hope I made some sense xxxx

Ash said...

I love overnight oats! I wasn't sure I would because I'm not a huge fan of hot oatmeal, but I guess since I'm a cold cereal girl it kinda fits that I would like overnight oats. Your combo sounds so yummy!

About balance--it's so hard for me too. I have never binges but too often I go to bed hungry because I didn't eat quite enough and my ED tells me not to eat too close to bedtime or I'll get "fat". I would suggest that if you don't already, make a meal plan for the day and plan it out to be enough. Then, try to stick to the plans for a few days, test your hunger and go from there, adding in snacks as needed. Hope this helps, Em!

BecomingBryana said...

Hey Emma. I'm so proud of you for being able to find that balance today. It is hard, and tomorrow possibly might not be much easier, but in the will be.

It's so hard for me to finish a meal that made me full but wasn't enough calorie wise, then eat some more to make up for it. I'm happy to read that you ate a reasonable amount more to avoid a binge.

My first overnight oat experience was last saturday. I really liked the way mine came out texture-wise. I think it will be perfect when I crave oats in the summer heat. I wanted to ask, did you get the triple nut butter from target? I think I've seen something like that there. :-)

the Waldbillig said...

Great job finding your balance today! I feel I'm in the exact same boat as you are, thanks for setting such a great example. I'm going to go make some overnight oats as well.



Haley said...

Oh Em,
I TOTALLY feel ya on the binge-restrict fiasco.
But hey, your bingeing wasn't near as bad as mine, so that's a plus! ha. Sorry, shouldn't compare..
Anyway, it's good that you're realizing that you need to eat more so that you don't binge later!
When I read that your lunch was just half a bagel w/ pb and an apple i was like, huh?? But then you had the snack of yogurt and trail mix. That's a good thing. That's you beating ED :)

We'll get over this bingeing thing.. just gotta give our body what it needs so that our bodies and minds don't feel like we need to eat the house and home every time we get something we've been craving for a while but haven't allowed ourselves to eat!
Make sense?
Anyway, I hope today was better. Every day is a new day. :)
<3 Haley