Friday, February 11, 2011

"and I think to myself, what a wonderful world"

You know that feeling when you are pleasantly tired, comfortably full, and warm after being freezing cold? Its pretty amazing(:
I had my first day of work today and it was scary, exhausting, and cold. But it felt good to be doing something productive. I'm still not sure how I like it, but I think teaching swim lessons may grow on me.

I actually wasn't that self conscious about being in a swim suit. I also was apprehensive about how I would feel about being back in the pool because I used to swim 6 days a week for a team, then was forced to stop because of my eating disorder. But I was so occupied with smiling and making sure none of the children drowned that I didn't have any time to feel uncomfortable!

Today for lunch I packed a feta salad with my favorite salsa, Santa Barbara brand, as well as a tortilla to put some of the salad in, and a Granny Smith apple.

When I got home from a physiatrist appointment, most of which was spent discussing the Jersey Shore cast, I had yet another yogurt mix. I was still pretty hungry so I ended up having a banana before dinner to tide me over.


Before I went to work, I had Trader Joe's spiced soybeans with asparagus, salad, and brown rice. I was able to have more then my eating disorder wanted me to, which was good!

I didn't space out my exchanges for my meal plan wisely today so I had to have a big night snack. Usually this might be overwhelming but I was really hungry so it was okay. I had a Kashi oatmeal raisin cookie (cookies are one of my fear foods) as well as a cereal mix with Greek yogurt and almond+peanut butter.

Yesterday in IOP we wrote affirmation calenders, which I found to be really motivating. I think that having a motivational phrase for each day is comforting and nice mood booster.

I'm really proud of the work I've been doing to rationalize my perfectionist and anxious thoughts. I'm trying really hard to make myself realize that its okay to be comfortable with myself and my body. Its easier said than done, but that okay. It was really powerful for me last night when during family group at program all of the parents were describing how much they wish their daughters could see all their gifts, talents and beauty.

I couldn't help but smile as each mother or father gazed at their daughters with such adoration as they described how proud they are of the work they've been doing and the people that they are. Hearing from my own parents was a unique and special experience as well. My eating disorder has taken so much from me, but it has helped to strengthen my relationships with my family, for which I am grateful.

I'm still having alot of trouble with dealing with urges to restrict. I have been able to consistently fulfill my meal plan, but my ED tends to want to hoard all my exchanges until the end of the day. Its become like a safety net for me in case I suddenly have the appetite of a team of football players or the desire to consume an entire chocolate cake. Obviously that is not realistic. As my nutritionist described it, its like I'm buying flood insurance in a desert. I have to push through my fears in order to be able to eat in a normal, balanced way.

My goals for this upcoming week?
Pick one thing I like about myself a day, and say it aloud. Baby steps make up the journey(:

1 comment:

Ayla said...

Baby steps DO make up the journey and I honestly believe they get your farther then attempting to take a bunch of big steps. If you aim to high too quickly, you're bound to trip and fall. There have been many times where I'll eat barely anything until the end of the day because like you said, it's like a safety net. Just keep taking those small steps and before you know it you'll have covered a ton of ground! :)