Monday, June 20, 2011

absent

Why have I avoided blogging?

The same question I've asked myself over and over.
The reminder is present in the nagging voice in the back of my head, in my friends' curiosity and the full memory on my camera.

Yet, I cannot answer the question.

It frustrates me and makes me upset. Because EMMA loves blogging, but the anti-Emma does not.

Blogging makes me happy, so am I avoiding happiness?
Maybe I need a break?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

1001 Crazy Nights

The past week has been jam packed with adventure and ups and downs. I don't even know where to start! I've promised a post on perfectionism, but I may have to postpone because I feel the need to summarize the past two weeks of my life.
It has brought up a lot of different triggering situations that have tested my resistance against ED. I'm happy to say, that despite being forced into high-anxiety situations, I've been able to withstand using behaviors.
Which brings me to the positives and negatives that have occurred recently:
I'll begin with the negatives as to end on a positive note.
  • The first, and possibly most disturbing situation that has happened, was a fight with my best friend. He turned on my rather suddenly, in what I perceived as a betrayal of trust. I was broken by words that were truly quite malicious, and felt at a loss as what to do to remedy the situation. Not only did this bring about a sense of being powerless, it also made me paranoid that I was wrong in feeling hurt by his words. In the end, the situation has been forgotten, but not without a renewed awareness that not everyone deserves my trust.
  • This one is a combined positive and negative: my medication for anxiety and depression has been switched as I had lost faith in it's effectiveness in treating me. I am now on a new drug, I'm, not sure if I'm assigning side affects that don't actually exist to the meds, but I am convinced that I've been more edgy and lethargic since I've been taking them. I haven't given up hope that they won't help though!
  • Lastly, I had experienced debilitating abdominal pain, which forced me to double up for hours. My doctor determined it was heart burn and prescribed Zantac and I've been fine ever since. Weird, right?
Now, for the positives!
  • I met a really amazing guy, who is a perfect gentlemen to me, and he makes me really happy. So that is definitely something that has been putting a smile on my face lately.
  • I had the opportunity to attend a seminar to empower young women at Kean University and gained so much for the experience. I'd love to summarize the whole event in a late post, because it really deserves it's own focus. I think anyone reading could gain something from hearing about it(:
  • I ran a seven minute mile the other day! I know that it isn't that fast for seasoned runners, but for a beginner such as myself, I was really proud of that accomplishment.
  • I've been taking risks- in fashion, in food, with friends, and life in general! I'm testing my boundaries and loving it.
Now, to finish things up, some eats pictures.
Whole Wheat oatmeal cookies w/ Three Berry Blend, so good.


THE fear food, Mom's homemade Mac and Cheese.
Ate every bite and proud of it.

I've been trying to bring chips to lunch lately, one day I brought these
spicy Thai to go with my roasted pepper and tomato soup, delicious.


Meal I cooked by myself! A big deal for me because I'm a horrible cook.
Salad, steamed carrots and tempah with Kashi pilaf


Peanut butter and banana sandwich with Cinnamon on raisin swirl bread.

Final risk, picture au natural!
No make-up and natural hair. VERY scary to post but worth it.

That's all for tonight, my loves, but I will be posting shortly to go into more detail of the challenges I've been facing. Until then, stay strong<3

What is a recent positive or negative of your life?
Do you find it scary to go all natural?

Friday, May 13, 2011

A lovely little post.

Hello gems!
So I don't have time to do a proper post but I wanted an opportunity to send a little shout out.
I was tagged in the Lovely Blogger Award by two of my favorite girls, Bryana and Kimi<3

  • Post linking back to the person that gave you the award
  • Share 7 random things about yourself
  • Award 15 blogs
My seven random facts are:
  1. I am very ticklish! All the guys in my school constantly poke me and make me squirm. It can be annoying.
  2. I love to smile and laugh. Whenever I can, I laugh, and I make it a point not to take life to seriously. I am not afraid to look stupid if I'm smiling about something stupid.
  3. The word that people most often describe me as is cute. I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one hand it's flattering and adorable, and on the other, it's kind of condescending. Either way, I try to take it at face value and just enjoy the compliment.
  4. Until I was in first grade, I lived on a huge property that shared a border with a farm. My early memories are of clambering to the far end of my back yard and looking at the cows that ate out of my compost pile.
  5. I have been a part of student council for the past three years and I love it! I was Head of Fundraisers, President, and Secretary. Next year, I'm running for Sophmore class president.
  6. I wear the colors grey, white, black, and blue most often. I usually only wear pink when I'm in a bad mood. And my go-to shoes are Sperry Topsiders! I have two pairs and adore them.
  7. Final fact(: I swam on the local swim team since I was eight years old until this past year, that's six years! I loved every second of it and there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the water.
And there you have it! Seven lovely facts about me(:
Because many of you have been tagged before, and I'm being lazy, I'm just tagging anyone who so wishes to participate in this award.

I'm going to a sleepover tonight, and I'm a bit nervous, but I don't want ED to be around, I just want to have a good time with my friends. I'll be thinking of how all of you have my back, and I'll try my best to just be Emma<3
Have an amazing weekend!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sweet and Sour

Hello dolls!
First and foremost, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Mother's day! I hope that all of you were able to spend some time with you mom, and that she had a great day(:

This past week has been filled with highs and lows, but, I'm happy to say, mostly good things.
I've really been trying to challenge myself, and my dietitian has given me a "goal sheet" which has been helpful in visually my progress and ways I can improve.
My goals for the next week are:
  1. A maximum of two tablespoons of nut butter a day
  2. Fulfill my meal-plan
  3. No weighing
  4. Try new "combo" foods
  5. 1900 calories completed before my night snack
I want to explain a bit about my goals, and the progress I've had in trying to reach them.

1) Nut butters have become a safe way to get my servings of fats in, so, for the time being, my nutritionist and I  have decided to limit my nut-butter consumption to two tablespoons a day. This may seem restrictive, but if I want more peanut butter, I will let myself have it! But, honestly, I've become comfortable with supplementing my fat intake with butters and I need this change.

As for 2 and 3, they are fairly obvious, but it's good to be mindful of these goals. I've tried to keep my weighing to a minimum, although I have had slip-ups, because it really doesn't accomplish anything besides reinforce the fact that I'm maintaining, which is totally pointless!

4) This goes along with number one. A lot of my fear foods are centered around an avoidance of "combination foods." i.e. fats and starches together, etc. I've become attached to my staples, while avoiding other, perfectly healthy and delicious options: I'll show a bit of my progress in pictures further on(:

5) The purpose of eating 1900 calories before my night snack (aka after dinner) is to limit the risk of me binging or overeating. Because I don't count calories, I know that my night snack should really only consist of 3 exchanges (a milk, starch, and fat/fruit). I haven't had too much success with this goal, but I am trying to work on it. Never the less, my overeating episodes have reduced in the past week!

And now, for the best part, some yummy savory eats!
A low-carb veggie burrito from Tito's Burritos
Eaten on Cinco de Mayo, appropriately
It was BEYOND DELICIOUS
And very fear-foody, but so good(:

Homemade paninis with mozzarella and eggplant.


Savory porridge made with 1/4 cup Kashi pilaf, 1/4 cup oats,
wheat germ, 1/2 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella, oregano, and basil
It was something new and delicious.


My mommy's edamame salad, in the construction phase
It is SO good and awesome to pack for lunches

And because my sweet tooth could never go completely into remission, a new creation! One cup greek yogurt, mixed with two tablespoons of peanut butter, and a cup of So Yummi pudding (which is vegetarian and all natural!). It reminded me of when I used to eat my grandma's chocolate pudding and mix milk in it.


That's all for today girls, I may post soon about perfectionism, and with a couple exciting things that are going to be happening soon for me. In the meantime, have an amazing day!

Have you tried anything new lately?

Monday, May 2, 2011

"Yesterday was plain awful, but that's not now, that's then"

Yesterday was one train wreck of a day. It was a wake-up call to how much anxiety can rule my life and how I use my ED as a coping skill.
I woke up extremely anxious yesterday morning and could not identify why. I began to have cyclical thoughts, which I have not experienced in a while, and was scared about the extent to which I was feeling anxious.
I went for a run and calmed down a bit but at that point ED was screaming to be allowed in. I ended up restricting in an effort to feel more in control of my emotions.

Logically, I realized that this was stupid and that not eating makes me more anxious. I know that not eating takes away from my energy and if I want to continue having great runs like I did I need to keep eating.
My therapist and I have discussed before that there seems to be a wall between my cognitive, rational side and my irrational, anxiety ruled side.
While I realize and recognize perfectionist and ED actions it is hard for me to use this knowledge to challenge these emotions.
I was able to have dinner, but only completed about half of my meal plan. This is a huge step-back for me considering that I normally meet or exceed my exchange requirements. I know that this is just a slip-up in my road of recovery but I feel guilty and ashamed about how I let ED take control. I know that I am better than this!

Despite the fact that I experienced a difficult day, I am glad that I am back on track today. I am proud that I'm trying hard to get out of this drained-anxious funk and am trying to rationalize ED and perfectionist thoughts.
I can do this!
I had a fear food for lunch: Bagel!: and finished my meal plan. On top of that, I didn't isolate, went to work and a documentary with my mom.

There are two sides to the coin, and although my low days suck, I can push past them.

Sorry for this rant! I just need to let this out. No questions tonight lovelies- thank you for all the support once again.

Lots of love your way!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Frustrated

This is going to be a downer post but I just need to relieve some frustration.

I am frustrated that I still had an overeating episode although I ate intuitively all day.
I am angry that ED still has control in my life.
I am impatient with the fact that the weight I've gained in recovery still hasn't redistributed.
And I'm even more annoyed that my digestive system is still off balance.

The worst part is that my solution to all these problems is to go back to ED behaviors.
Yet, ED is the one who caused the problems in the first place!

I am at a healthy weight and want to maintain but it's hard to resist urges to lose, considering I could lose 5 pounds and still be considered healthy, and it's difficult to rationalize my fears of gaining. I could gain five pounds and still be in a healthy weight range, but ED has deemed anything above my current weight to be taboo.

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to air my worries.
If you read this rant, do you have any suggestions?

On a side note, I've really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, and I also appreciate all your thoughtful comments!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Bootylicious!



My pre-run bootay
Proud of it too!

THE RULES:
1. Post this award with the picture and name whoever tagged you in it
2. Do the STUFF
3. Award to 7 others and tell them you did so!
THE STUFF:
1. Name 3 things that are lying right next to you 
2. Name 2 foods you cannot live without 
3. Name 1 thing you did today

I was tagged for this wonderful award by two beautiful and amazing girls, Bryana and Kimi!

Because I'm sure many of you have already been tagged, I am tagging anyone reading. Have fun with it lovelies!
And now for THE STUFF(:

Three things that are lying next to me are:
Well this isn't actually next to me, but it is the other window open on the my desktop: Pandora! I'm a big music person and I love the fact that it helps me find cool new artists.

Tea! This is a recylced picture but I'm a huge tea drinker and nothing is better than a cup with honey.

source
The third thing next to me is: nail polish!
I own a TON of nail polish and love doing my nails. However, I don't like manicures! It always ruins my nails and is harsh on my skin. My favorite nail color is red but I'm currently sporting dark purple with a glitter coat on top.

The two foods I could not live without are Greek yogurt and Kashi GoLean Crunch cereal, they are my staples! This is not to say I don't adore my fresh fruits and veggies too.

And finally, one thing I've done today was babysat at eight am! Then I taught swim lessons. I had a kid filled morning but that's okat because I adore it. The idea that I can be a positive role model makes me very happy.

Recently I found out that an old friend of mine has an eating disorder. I had seen her for the first time in monthes the other day and was shocked at how emaciated she seemed. I have always veiwed her as a vibrant resiliant personality and it breaks my heart to think of her as under ther control of ED.
She has an intake appointment with the program I was in and I sincerely hope it helps her.
Situations like this bring back my motivation to stay strong and continue to challenge my ED. I want to make a postitive change in the world and I can't do that if my disorder is holding me back.

Have a wonderful weekend lovelies! xoxoxo Emma

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Spring Break Recap

 Hello loves!
This post will just go over what happened in the remainder of my spring break!
Last Wednesday, I went into the city with my mom.
We had made reservations at Ohm Spa without really knowing much about it but the experience turned out to be amazing. I have never had a massage before and I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't self conscious of my body at all.
I was able to relax, despite being ticklish, and just enjoyed the moment. Despite my hair and make-up being messed up afterward, I was so happy that the tension in my muscles had dissipated.

The picture to the left is of my NYC outfit. I went simple with a Free People top, jeans, ALDO flats, and a Betsy Johnson necklace. To be honest, I had considered not posting this picture because ED deemed that I looked too fat in it. Look at how close your thighs are, how your stomach isn't flat and how your boobs are too big, it said.
But I want ED to shut up. So although I'm not entirely comfortable with the way my body looks, I'm through with listening to my disorder's commands.

 After the Spa, my mom and I went over to Eataly because my mom had been dying to go.
For those of you who haven't heard, Eataly is Mario Batali's brain child that is basically a huge, Italian Whole Foods.
By that time, I was very hungry, so we were faced with the decision of whether to eat in the Verdure section or in the Pizza and Pasta section.
ED wanted to eat vegetables, but I wanted pizza. Pizza is THE fear food for me and I've been waiting for an opportunity to face it, and here it was.
I was able to eat FOUR pieces of pizza because that's what I wanted to do. And I ordered the Quattro Formaggi pizza opposed to a vegetable option. And, quite honestly, I enjoyed every oily, carb-filled bite(:


Salad my mom and I shared

Vegetable and Quattro Formaggi Pizza, I had two slices of each!




Onion and cheese foccacia that I brought home for dinner(:

Snacks for the road. New Clif bar flavor: Peanut Toffee Buzz
Bear Naked Trail Mix, and Seaweed Snack discovered thanks to Julie
 On Friday, my family and I departed for my grandparent's house in upstate NY for Easter. I wasn't expecting the trip to be very difficult, but it turned out to be triggering.
Being with my family in eating situations was rather anxiety provoking. But I made it through without using any ED behaviors and I did enjoy myself despite some struggles.
When I was very anxious, I went for a run on roads lining the lake and that calmed me.
Then, I went to the water's edge and, like a crazy person, started talking to myself. Yes, I know that is weird. But, for once, I wanted to act like my own best friend. So I told myself that everything would be okay, that I am beautiful and worthy to love and be loved.
This talk with myself actually helped a lot and, as silly as it sounds, I would suggest the idea to others as a coping skill!
I made this delicious coconut cake for Easter and I am proud to say that I had a piece.
I am even more happy with the fact that I didn't binge on all the deserts available, despite the urge to overeat.

The most beautiful Finger Lake by far
This picture doesn't do it justice!
 More to come soon!

Do you have a favorite place?
Do you self-talk?

Friday, April 22, 2011

arrivederci

Hey beautifuls!
Just wanted to let all of you know that I'm going to be away for Easter for a couple days so I won't be able to post until I get home.
Also, I apologize if I haven't been commenting as frequently but I promise that I am reading!
I hope that all of you who celebrate Easter have a wonderful holiday and those who don't, enjoy your weekend!
Will be posting soon. Thanks a million for all the comments! They truly mean the world to me.
xoxoxo
Em

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Leaps and Bounds

My spring vacation has begun, and it is a welcome break from the hustle and bustle of school. Not to say that I haven't kept busy. I've only been off for two days and I have been able to do a lot within those 48 hours.

This, despite the fact that my tummy has been giving me troubles. I've had strange stomach cramps and a lot of bloating, accompanied by either extreme hunger or complete satiation. Mixed signals much? Because of this, I've tried to keep my dairy intake to a minimum, and my food simple.
My simplified meal pictures are below, but my mom tells me that nut butters could be the source of my woes.
Oatmeal w/ 3 nut butter, honey, and an apple


Plain greek yogurt w/ honey, almonds, raw carrots and zucchini


Oatmeal w/ banana and almond butter



Green monster of greek yogurt, spinach,
frozen strawberries, and vanilla almond milk



Oats w/ chai seeds, apple, and trail mix



Iced coffee, mixed greens, asparagus, Newman's Own light balsamic
and an apple w/ cashew butter

My stomach pains weren't helped by the fact that I had an incident of overeating the other night. It was more out of control than it has been in a while and left me feeling very guilty in the morning. But I can push past, and try again. Life won't end because I had a couple cookies. Sure, it's uncomfortable, but I'm confident it will end soon.

Cookies I baked for a bake sale at my younger brother's play
Yesterday, I was able to take two really big steps.
I swam for the first time since November. I used to swim six days a week, 12 months a year. My eating disorder robbed me of the joy and love I had of the sport. I thought that I would never be able to experience the elation that comes with diving in a pool again.
But just going in the pool for a couple laps was amazing. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face and the scent of chlorine never smelled so good. Although I love running and yoga, my body was not built for it. I have a swimmer's body. I used to resent my "large" thighs and wide shoulders but now I am so grateful that my muscles remember how to take me through the water.

Another big step that I took was going out to dinner with my friends. We had a mini celebration for my best friend's birthday. The local hibachi place has half-priced sushi on Mondays so we were able to sample a lot of different things for a really low price.
Going out to eat used to be really stressful for me, but now it causes minimum anxiety. I got a shiitake mushroom and asparagus roll, as well as a sweet potato roll, and thoroughly enjoyed both. In addition, I sampled all my friends deserts. I was going to order one of my own, but they were all out.
At the dinner, I was able to focus on what was truly important, my friends, and not so much on the food. And I had a great time!

Today I went to my local high school, I go to a Magnet High School, not my home town's school, and shadowed one of my friends as a freshman for a day as they already had spring break. Despite running into some triggering situations, which I will delve into in greater detail next post, I had a fun time seeing old friends.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going into NYC for a massage, shopping, and lunch! I'm very excited and I can't wait to share how it goes.
Until then, ciao!

Any advice for stomach troubles?
Have you had a dining out experience lately?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ready, Set, GO.

So lately, I've just been plodding along in my comfort zone, not really motivated to take new steps in my recovery.
I'm still stashing up exchanges for the end of the day, then feeling overwhelmed by them, then going to sleep bloated and uncomfortably full.
This cycle has continued every day.

I want, no, I need this cycle to end. These habits are just reinforcing my guilt and anxiety surrounding food and I DON'T want that. I love food, I love being healthy, I want to be happy! And the way I need to get there is to take the first right step.

My dietitian and I have been working on challenging me by trying new fear foods and adding more into meals during the day so I don't save it all up for later. This is very scary for me but I am so ready to break out of my ED behaviors and learn to be normal.

Nutrition journal!
Unrelated, but equally as important, I would just like to thank everyone for their encouraging words! I did end up going to my school dance and I had a great time. I was able not to become preoccupied by food or my body and instead focused on what was truly important, my friends and the music!

Here are some quick eats pictures:

Oatmeal w/ 3 nut butter and iced coffee


So Delicious coconut yogurt w/ Kashi GoLean crunch and coconut

I was able to bring fruit to lunch! Which may not seem like a big deal but it was an important step for me.
I brought a KIND bar (fear food), cottage cheese w/ edamame hummus, and apple, and mixed greens.


Just me hanging with two fear foods, eaten within hours of each other!
I had the Clif bar and post-run fuel and Blake's Mac and Cheese for dinner.

Also new, I have been running at least twice a week and it's amazing. I have been able to keep ED out of my exercise which is a huge change from when going for a run was a tortuous and abusive battle between ED and I. Now, there is no judging, and I am trying to listen to my body while pushing it to do it's best!
For now, I'm not focusing on speed so much as building up endurance. My goal is to join the cross country team next year.

Well sorry for the rambling but this post must come to an abrupt end! The last day of school before spring break awaits.

How have you been challenging yourself?
What is your favorite exersise?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Push past.

Lately, I've been trying to push past my usual triggers for using ED behaviors, and rationalize the reactions that usually accompany a triggering event.

For example, tonight I decided, spur of the moment, to go to a school dance. The dances are casual and just consist of a partially-lit school gym and a teenage DJ (for all of you out of high-school, I'm sure this brings back memories.) Usually, any event would cause me to restrict for a days, if not a week, in advance in order to be "prepared." Deciding, last minute, to take advantage of this opportunity to have fun with my friends is a big step for me.
I will admit that it is rather anxiety provoking. I have had thoughts to restrict, or just to stay at home. Both of these options are within my comfort zone. However, if I ever want to let go of my ED, I need to take a step out of my norm. This means going into situations that are not 100% "safe."

Also, I have Health this marking period in school, and the class kicks off with several days of discussion about Nutrition. Later on, the curriculum requires an overview of eating disorders. The class is extremely triggering for me. I have been making an effort not to act on the emotions it provokes and am trying to rationalize the thoughts that are caused by it.
Because, in reality, I know that not everyone is thinking about me whenever "anorexia" is brought up, and that calories and learning about Nutrition is important for people my age although I have already learned a lot about the subject through my time in IOP and personal research.
I will ask my therapist for a note to be excused until Sex Ed begins (joy) but until then I'll try to tough it out and remind myself that life doesn't have to be controlled by ED.

I'll let all of you know how tonight's dance goes, and maybe I'll include a profile of one of my close friends in my next post.
Thanks again for all of your support<3

What are triggering situations you have been in?
How have you fought urges caused by them?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

It's been a while..

Well, it sure has been a while since I've last posted. I'm trying to not stress about it though, life happens and I know that when I return to blogging regularly the amazing people I've met in this community will welcome me back. Thank you again!

So, what has happened over this past week?



Photoshoot in my Free People Dress


blowing out the candles(:















The highlight was probably my birthday party. It was alot of fun. Very sweet, very relaxed, and just nice. It felt surreal to look around at my friends and think that when I was further into my ED I would have never had the opportunity to be present with all of them. But because of the work I've done, I was able to enjoy myself despite insecurities. I felt BEAUTIFUL and HEALTHY. These are huge steps for me. It was impossible for me to even think of one thing I liked about myself months ago. Now, although I am still extremely harsh on myself and hesitant to feel positive about the way I am, it is getting easier to acknowledge my strengths, not just my faults.

And as for the tease I left ya'll with last week, the mysterious use of the carrots was.....
Carrot Cupcakes!
Carrot cake is my favorite by far, and I love cream cheese icing, so it was a treat to make it. I used Martha Stewart's recipe from her website.

Some other sweets from my party included:


Dean & Deluca pink sugar sprinkles my mom got for me. 

 Chocolate-chip cookies baked by moi.

A glimpse of my house, decorated.

Presents from my friends.

 
Anthropolgie mug from my best friend, H.

Also in the past week, my mom and I made a trip to Wegmans, which is always far too much fun. Some goodies included:

Many different bars, new Bear Naked trail mix.

Tofu, Whole Wheat wraps, Amy's Tofu Lasagna, and Apple Butter


Coconut water, yogurt, Herbal water, So Yummi pudding
That's all for tonight, but I will be updating in the future about my continuing efforts to balance my eating and my therapy goals (including a daily thought journal!).

Goodnight lovelies(:

What was the highlight of your week?

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Itty Bitty Post

Hey guys! This post will be itty bitty, but I just want to squeeze in a couple updates because I think my next post is gonna be pretty long.

I am having my 15th birthday party tomorrow and I'm super excited. It seems like it will be alot of fun and I can't want to show all of you the pictures(:


Kashi Spinach and Mushroom pizza.
 Also, I went to my first appointment with a new nutritionist. I like her alot and I think that she will motivate me to step out of my comfort zone. She already has me trying pizza, which is one of my most anxiety-provoking fear-foods. I was able to make it through dinner with minimal thoughts or rituals, which was good. I'm excited to see what happens in the future with her.
Here are just a few random eats shots, but they were yummy. Sandwiches are a bit scary for me because they are more compact and I have to use my hands to eat it. However, I was able to enjoy it.

Mixed greens, feta and TJ's tomato and basil hummus on an Arnold flat bread.

Overnight oats with Barney Butter

And here is a little tease of what is to come in the next post. See those gorgeous carrots?
No questions tonight, I'm far too tired.
Goodnight loves!